I Still Believe Read online

  She often is my backup singer on stage and on CDs, and there is something truly special about sharing Melissa’s story and my testimony, telling the stories behind “Walk by Faith” and “I Still Believe,” and then singing those songs with Adrienne. Sometimes as we perform, I feel that God has graciously granted me completeness.

  Not surprisingly, I get asked a lot of questions about Melissa and Adrienne. It’s difficult to describe, but it’s like my heart didn’t have to push one out for the other. Instead, it was like my heart expanded so it could have room for both. It blows me away sometimes when I think about it.

  But then, a lot of things God has done in my life blow me away. He is an awesome God! How could I not want to tell everyone I can about Him?

  I can recall my thoughts way back on that Christmas morning when I opened my Taylor guitar. They remain my mission today: Lord, whatever You want. Not my plans, but Yours. Here I am.

  MY DESIRE

  In a recent interview, I was asked for my definition of worship. My answer was “anything we do that glorifies the Lord.” The interviewer said my answer surprised him because he expected a musician would give a music-related answer.

  I’ve heard worship defined as “worship songs that are sung to the Lord” or “songs we sing in church on Sunday mornings.” But worship is so much broader than music. Worship can be something as simple as a conversation. If I’m with someone and we’re talking about the Lord and what He has done in our lives, if we are lifting up His name, I consider that worshiping God.

  The worship project was my first opportunity to work with a label. After that, I became grouped into the Christian rock segment of our industry. Then, later, my music began to be labeled again more as worship music. I’ve played different styles of songs, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve always been a worship musician. Perhaps more accurately, I’ve always considered myself a worshiping musician.

  One of my songs is called “My Desire.” I’m frequently asked to explain the source of my music, but “My Desire” has a rather simple message. As one line says, “This is my desire, to be used by you.”

  That’s it. That’s my desire—to be used by God.

  The reason is expressed best in two lines near the song’s end:

  There’s not much I can do to repay all You’ve done,

  So I give my hands to use.

  My hands are vital to my calling. I play the guitar with them. I write songs with them. So when I say I give my hands to God for Him to use as He wishes, I mean that literally. But more than my hands, I give my heart to God.

  I want to write songs that touch God’s heart. I believe that when God sees one of His children writing songs of love for his Father—songs that glorify Him—His heart is touched. To me, songs written from the heart are real. They are honest. They are emotionally raw. When I am honest and say, “Okay, God, this is how I’m feeling,” I open my heart to Him so that He can do a transforming work within me.

  God called David a man after His own heart,18 not because David was perfect, but because he was repentant. Read through David’s psalms; it’s obvious that David was honest with God about his thoughts and feelings, and look at the work God did within him.

  That is where I want to be in my relationship with God—where my heart is opened completely so that He can mold and shape me as He wants. I want my music to help others find that openness in their relationships with God too.

  That is my desire.

  Another song we sing includes the words, “We’ll sing it out to let all the world know that Jesus saves.” Over the past few years, the Lord has allowed us to take that message into new areas, including international tours in Brazil and the Philippines. He also has allowed us to minister in new ways, such as a live concert from my home through Facebook.

  I’ve learned that whether the audience is in a foreign country, hearing my words through a translator, or logged on to the Internet for a concert Adrienne and I are hosting from our back patio, more people than we could even fathom need to hear from someone who has struggled his or her way through life’s deepest valley and can stand firm and declare, “We have to believe!”

  But to be honest, there have been nights, especially in the early years after Melissa went to heaven, when I would be preparing to go onstage, fully aware that many in the audience had come to hear me share our story and then sing “I Still Believe,” yet I didn’t want to sing it. I knew the words were true, but they didn’t feel true.

  I would tell God, I don’t feel like You’re good. I don’t feel like You’re faithful. On those nights, it was a true step of faith to say, Okay, God, even though I don’t feel it, I’m still going to sing it. I could say that because of the times in my life when, at a moment I didn’t expect, God had come through for me. On those nights when I put aside what I didn’t feel and sang what I knew to be true, I saw God move in mighty ways among the people in the audience.

  In more recent years, there were nights when I would think, I can’t sing this song tonight because I’m not trusting the Lord right now! Or I would ask myself, How can I tell these people that “I still believe” when I’m fearing what might happen next in my life? But strengthened by the previous times when I had trusted God and sung “I Still Believe” anyway, I stepped out onto the stage and sang it from my heart. To do otherwise would have been to allow the enemy to claim a victory, because each time God amazed me with how many hearts He touched through the song.

  The story of Melissa and me is not just a story; it is my testimony. And “I Still Believe” is not just a song; it is my battle cry.

  It has been more than a dozen years now since that day on my parents’ couch when, even though I didn’t want to, I picked up my guitar and then quickly wrote “I Still Believe.”

  (Verse 1)

  Scattered words and empty thoughts

  Seem to pour from my heart.

  I’ve never felt so torn before,

  Seems I don’t know where to start.

  But it’s now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

  From every fingertip, washing away my pain.

  (Verse 2)

  Though the questions still fog up my mind,

  With promises I still seem to bear.

  Even when answers slowly unwind,

  It’s my heart I see You prepare.

  But it’s now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

  From every fingertip, washing away my pain.

  (Bridge)

  The only place I can go is into Your arms

  Where I throw to You my feeble prayers.

  In brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me.

  Help me to know You are near.

  (Chorus)

  I still believe in Your faithfulness.

  I still believe in Your truth.

  I still believe in Your holy Word.

  Even when I don’t see, I still believe.

  I could not have expressed those words on my own. Lost in a deep valley, feeling alone and unable to even stand on my own, I looked up from my fog to see my loving God there with me, hand outstretched to help me back to my feet so He could begin walking me through to the other side of my despair.

  My journey dealing with despair has not been easy. In fact, that journey still continues and will continue until that promised day of “‘no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain.” Along the way, God has placed wonderful people in my life who have helped me reach the point where I am now. But more than that, God has placed Himself in my life. He has walked alongside me every step of the way. I didn’t always recognize Him near, but looking back from this side of my despair, I now do.

  I know that many of you who hear or read the lyrics of “I Still Believe” can say, “That is where I am right now.” My heartfelt prayer for each of you is that you will discover the hope and the healing from the Lord that has carried me. I have been seemingly stuck in that same valley. Just as the Lord used Jon Courson to speak to me in his Oregon home, I c
an also tell you that God provides a way out of that valley.

  I wish I could tell you when you will leave that valley. But I can’t. Everyone is different. We all deal with our circumstances differently. However, we have a God who deals with us on an individual basis. He created each of us, and He created you with a specific plan designed just for you. Embrace the people God brings into your life to help you through your difficulties. And embrace God. You might be wondering, as I did, if He hears you. If He really cares about your every situation. Even if He is near you.

  Trust me, He does hear your cries and groans and moans. He does care about you. He is near to you—He’s right there alongside you.

  So stand up and worship Him. Right now. Don’t wait until you’ve crossed through to the other side. God is worthy of your praise at all times. Don’t miss out on an opportunity to glorify Him in the midst of uncertainty. Your circumstances might be bad, but God is always good. Open your heart to God, tell Him in all honesty how you feel, and then discover the depths of how He can use you, even when you don’t feel usable.

  I’ve been there, and I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to that place. But now I am so thankful that through the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, and the agony, God was there with me—growing me, maturing me, loving me, tenderly bringing me closer to Him. This life is full of disappointment and pain, but God is faithful.

  That is why even when I cannot see, I can stand and sing, “I Still Believe.”

  I do still believe.

  And because of what God has brought me through, I will believe.

  Younger Years

  My mom says I was a super happy kid, and I loved more than anything to sleep in my own bed.

  Hanging out with my dad

  Growing Up

  Although I loved playing all different kinds of sports, being a professional football player was my dream.

  Me and the sound man from D.O.C., a sign of things to come

  Hanging out with my siblings (clockwise): April (22), Jared (11), Me (19), Josh (9)

  Graduation day with friends, 1996

  Meeting Melissa

  This was one of Melissa’s favorite pictures from the mission trip to Hawaii. “How good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!”

  The Melissa I will always remember

  Melissa with her brother Ryan

  Jeremy and Melissa

  October 21, 2000

  Singing one of our favorite worship songs on our wedding day

  Celebrating our new life together on our honeymoon in Hawaii

  Moments of Music

  Recording “Speaking Louder Than Before” with Brown Bannister

  Honored to be receiving my fourth Gold Album with Mike Snyder, Matt Balm, me, and Brandon Ebel

  I will always be thankful for God’s faithfulness.

  Meeting Adie

  Adrienne and me during Festival Con Dios

  It’s a blessing to be able to sing and worship the Lord with my wife.

  December 15, 2003

  This is one of those pictures that is such a great reminder to me of God's restoration in my life.

  Taken by our daughter Bella. Pretty good, huh?

  Mission Minded

  Singing songs and playing games with the kids on a family mission trip to Mexico in 2010

  I was so excited to give this guitar to Lester, one of the children we sponsor through Compassion International.

  Family Matters

  Hanging with my dad on Thanksgiving Day

  My brothers Jared and Josh

  Mom and I posing for the camera

  A Growing Family

  Adie became good friends with Melissa’s sisters, Megan Henning (L) and Heather Henning Dalton (R).

  Being goofy with my girls, Arie and Bella

  A family trip to California

  Adrienne and I are so blessed to have such an amazing family: Bella (7), Egan (2 months), and Arie (5).

  “And even when I don’t see, I still believe.”

  Notes

  1 See Hebrews 4:12.

  2 See Ezekiel 36:24-32.

  3 See Matthew 7:24-27.

  4 Philippians 1:21

  5 See Nehemiah 8:10.

  6 See 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

  7 John 11:21

  8 John 11:25-26

  9 See Matthew 21:12-13.

  10 Proverbs 27:17

  11 Matthew 18:3

  12 1 John 4:8

  13 1 Peter 1:6

  14 See Matthew 28:18-20.

  15 John 10:10

  16 2 Corinthians 1:4, NKJV

  17 See Genesis 2:24.

  18 See Acts 13:22.